Should you date your friend’s ex-girlfriend? | Futurescopes
And I think she wants to take it to the next level, too. The problem is, my friend had a deep relationship with this girl, and I think he's still kind of in love with her. So what do I do here? Can I get away with dating my friend's ex? Will he be able to handle this?
This is a tough one, because dating a friend's ex is one of the most essential dating taboos. Which is that people never really get over significant romantic relationships. I don't mean that you can never be happy again after breaking up with someone. Of course you can. But it's largely a matter of compartmentalizing. You get a new and even prettier girlfriend, or hang out with your friends more, or get into jiu jitsu or knitting.
You get a new life so you don't spend all your time sitting around and crying about your old one like the baby you are. Sure, people will talk about their old relationships and say that they're "over it" or that it "wasn't meant to be," or pepper you with other related nonsense phrases, but what they mean is they're not thinking about it right now. All of those old wounds stick around, just waiting to be re-opened. You're always going to feel weird when you see your ex, at least a little bit.
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If you're still friends with your ex , it wasn't that serious, or it's still serious. And, if you date your friends' ex, you're telling your friend that your romantic feelings are more important than their happiness. Because they're going to see you holding hands with their ex, and remember how nice that felt, and if you think they won't envision you having sex together, you're being naive.
Of course, that's going to hurt. Inherently, it's a selfish thing. You're saying, "screw you and your silly emotions, I've got to get laid. Does this mean you should never, ever date a friend's ex?
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It means that it's a bad idea, but that's not the same as "never do it. It's possible that you've got an uncommon romance on your hands. Maybe this is your future wife, or muse, or whatever it is that you're looking for. If this is the case, you'd be missing out on years of potential passion if you passed up on this girl for the sake of sparing your friends' feelings. Like I said, this is a tough one. You've got a hell of a decision to make. Accordingly, you should treat this like any other important decision, which is to say that you should get as much information as possible.
First, be real with yourself. Is this girl really special to you? Is there actually an uncommon reaction between you — some sort of deep compatibility that's worth alienating your friend for? Or is she just an attractive person who finds you attractive, too? Those two things are so, so easily confused. Approach these questions with the maximum possible skepticism about yourself. Is it worth pursuing? My rule of thumb is that it's fine unless it is a very good friend. If it's a close friend, proceed with caution.
Nana points to the story of her friend Katie, a year-old Londoner who lost a friendship when an ex got involved. If you're swept up in love and you simply must date the ex of a close friend, experts recommend you sit your friend down. Even if it hurts your pride, check with him that it's OK. LaCota stresses the conversation is worth having if you really think the girl might be your 'special someone'. During the conversation, pay attention to your friend's non-verbal communication.
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At the end of the day, dating a friend's ex is going to be tricky territory all around. It's probably best if you can avoid it. If you can't, be prepared for potential complications and be realistic that you might lose a good buddy. It's fun while it lasts, but the devastation it leaves after is not so pleasant.
It’s never OK to date your friend’s ex – and this is why
So maybe step back from Sally, and go find a Jane, or Becky, or anyone else that isn't your friend's ex. Danae Mercer is a freelance journalist. Follow her on Twitter.
Accessibility links Skip to article Skip to navigation. Saturday 12 January Is it ever a good idea to date a friend's ex?