She has said that she does not want to be married anymore but that she wants to be friends — that she cannot imagine me not in her life. This leads me to my question — is it an awful idea to try to remain friends after all this? But if it were up to me, we would stay married. And thinking ahead, what happens when either one of us starts dating someone? Almost every day since she moved out, I am tempted to text or e-mail about my day, and I already miss talking to her and seeing her tremendously.
But at the same time, I worry about mixed signals and that if she is friendly, I will take it as a sign she might want to get back together.
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I just am really torn. Focus on the immediate issue, which is getting through the day and finding new people to text and call when you feel like you want to talk. And let her know, if she asks, that your relationship is a work in progress. You want her in your life, but you need to build a life without her before you can invite her in.
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It sounds as if this was her idea more than yours, and you are still processing the whys and what happeneds. Best advice ever from MG.
When my ex and I split, I tried to make it as amicable as possible, and for the most part we were still friendly and courteous. It turned him into the bitter, evil, nasty, disgusting human being he is today.
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I have almost an identical timeline as yours and I am friends with my ex. BUT, you have to want to be friends. Right now, you cannot be friends with her. You are looking out for your own interests just like she is. I want to clarify that I think it is wonderful when exes can get along and have birthday dinners with their kids as a family, but you will know if it's gone beyond that, so don't fool yourself.
When I was going through my divorce, my therapist warned me that people who are going through divorce are be more prone to alcohol addiction for two reasons: One, because they are stressed and they may use alcohol to numb the pain and anxiety of the divorce, and two, because they are often out a lot, at bars and restaurants and on dinner dates, where everyone is drinking.
Be careful about the drinking for yourself, but regarding your date, if he or she is ordering drinks right and left at dinner, there are two things you need to know. Be smart enough not to get into a car if the person is driving, and secondly, recognize that he or she is a drinker before you get into a relationship with him or her. I think it's safe to say that at the beginning of a relationship, people usually drink more, because it's new and you are both shy and getting to know each other, but be smart enough to recognize when his or her drinking becomes more of a dependency, rather than a social occurrence.
I went out with a guy who I was obsessed with for a long time. He was cute, fun and very charismatic. Then, one time, out of nowhere, he was really mean to me. Blatantly rude, as if his personality had completely changed. Then he went back to being nice again. But I never forgot that. My theory is if you see it once, you will surely see it again. The jumper is the guy or girl who loves to be in love.
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The ink on the divorce decree isn't even dry and he or she is talking about marrying you. You've known the person for three months. You're still in that "jump into bed the second you see each other" phase and he or she is talking about ring shopping.
The jumper isn't a bad person, just afraid to be alone or trying to compete with his or her ex because that person already has someone. You don't have to be engaged or married to have true love. Let yourself heal from your divorce which takes at least five years in my opinion and just enjoy the relationship. No need for rings and a honeymoon! Buy yourself a nice piece of jewelry and go on a fun trip with him.
That's such a better option. Here's my closing advice: Date someone who lets you be who you are, who is kind to you and your kids , who supports your passion or your career, who is thoughtful, who makes you feel good about yourself and who makes you feel happy and loved. Those are the gems. Jackie Pilossoph is the author of the blog, Divorced Girl Smiling.
Pilossoph is a weekly business features reporter and columnist for Sun-Times Media. She lives in Chicago with her two kids.